Squabbles in the Closet
by veliakaida
Summary: Drabbles: Harry and the Dark Lord are locked in a closet for a month to 'sort out their problems' by Dumbledore. Of course they wouldn't get along... chapters will get longer
1. 1: Shut In

_Disclamer that goes for all chapters: I do not own anything you __recognize_

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**Ch 1- Shut In**

Dear Tom and Harry,

I have locked you two in one of Flich's special closets for you two need to settle your differences. (it is for your own good)  
Both of you are way too old to fight petty battles against each other and use the light and dark side as silly excuses.

-Albus

P.S. the door will open only after a month has passed.

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"I can't believe the nerve of the old coot." snarled the Dark Lord who had plastic surgery.

"I can." said the boy that went emo and cut his head.

"What do you mean?"

"He is either on sugar high or it's his time of the month."


	2. 2: A Slight Problem

**Ch 2- A Slight Problem **

Both the Dark Lord and the Boy-Who-Lived were sulking in seperate corners of the closer. Although Harry had given up the sulking part and was now wiggling on the ground.

"Stop doing that, you're not a good break dancer." He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named snarled.

"I can't help it."

"What do you mean you can't - Oh no." Volide finally realized what was going on.

"Oh yes. What I'm I suppose to do? Dumbledore took our wands." said Potter who need to go pee.

"Well, er...I found a bucket in the back -" Before the dark lord could finish his sentence Harry had rushed towards the back of the closet and only water sounds were heard.

"Tom?"

"Don't call me that." muttered the slight disgusted lord who had just witnessed his arch enemy go pee pee

"I'm hungry."


	3. 3: Sharing is Caring

**Iz: **i seem to be uneffected from your brainwashing but I'll update faster and try to make it longer and no, i'm not trying to performed Voodoo on a doll of you xD (happy late bday by the way)

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**Ch 3: Sharing is Caring **

"I'm hungry." Harry said.

"I already get the message after hearing it for twenty times." Voldie manage to grind out in frustration while imagining what kind of torture methods he would use on Potter after he killed Dumbledore for shutting him here.

"No it was only nineteen."

"What?" the Dark Lord's eye twitched as he was interrupted from his imagining of strapping Harry to a pole.

"I only said 'I was hungry' nineteen times."

Voldemort's eye twitched again. "You counted?"

"Uh huh, I made scratched marks on the wall. See?" said the boy was slightly insane from the lack of food. "I'm still hungry though."

A few seconds of silence passed before Voldemort threw up his hands and cried "Okay, Okay! Take my chocolate but stop saying that!"


	4. 4: Bored to Tears

I would say if you review and I'll give you a cookie - but that will be bribery.

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****Ch 4: Bored to Tears **

"Potter?"

"What?" came a strangled reply.

"A-are you crying?" asked the slightly concerned dark lord. After all they have been sitting in the same closet for who knows how much days living off Voldie's never ending chocolate and using a bucket as a toilet.

"N-Yes." Sniffed Harry who by now Voldie that established was deranged

"Er…why?" He said carefully while remembering when Potter had threw a hysterical fit on the floor after eating a green M&M – Potter seemed to be allergic to all M&M's except the red ones.

"I'm bored." Harry said as he turned around to face Voldermort. The dark lord could see tear streaks both dry and wet on the boy-who-lives face. "I'm bored." Harry repeated. "I'm bored to tears."

And with that, he burst into hyperically laughter gasping "Get it? Bored. Bored to tears? Tears? Get it?"

Voldermort decided he was officially in hell.


	5. 5: Trying to Communicate

longer chapter here for you people (or alien or whoever you are)! since i'm trying to make each chapter longer than the last

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**Ch 5: Trying to Communicate **

"Why are you, you?" Said a sugar high Harry while bouncing on the puddle which had a distinct yellow color that Voldemort, who was sitting as far as he could be sitting from it, didn't want to try to figure out what it was.

"Why am I an u?" asked the dark lord who had long given up to ignore the boy.

"Noooo you silly head, I said Why are you, you!"

Gritting his teeth he ground out, "Can you speak in English?"

"Well, duh, of course I can." Harry answered looking confused while Voldie tried to resist the urge to bang his head on the wall.

"Can you explain what you are asking me?" he managed to ask in his most polite tone that sounded like Snape snarling.

"Don't be crabby mister, I just asked you why did you choose to be a Dark Lord with a weird name?"

The dark lord with a weird name snarled, "First of all, my name is not weird. Second, I don't want to answer you question so shut up."

Harry whined "You said a bad word mister! You said the-"

"Shu- Please refrain from talking." The extremely pissed off dark lord managed to say nicely. And as before, it sounded like Snape snarling.

"Fine, fine. But why do you have to use the name Voldemort. It's soo, I don't know…old fashion? You could have called your self something else flashier…like Superbad! Or Evilness of Doom! Or even Mwhahaha. You know? So that people who have to say your name have to laugh an evil laugh…"

"Are you even listening to me?"


	6. 6: Off Topic Christmas Talk

yay longer chapter again! thanks to everyone for the reviews, favorites, and alerts! **read and review please :) **

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**Ch 6: Off Topic Christmas Talk **

"It's almost Christmas." Harry said idly peering at his scratch marks on the wall. "It's my favorite holiday too." He said brightly while Vodie sneered at the boy in disgust.

"Christmas! Bah humbug …that's a lousy holiday."

"No it's not!" Harry whined and scooted over to where Voldemort was sitting. Poking the dark lord indignantly he told him, "You get presents, food, and presents wrapped in shiny wrapper with pink bow ties and cute little Mr. Wobble look alikes…" he trailed off and looked at Voldemort, "Wait, did you just quote Scrooge?"

Voldie just stared and tried to scoot away from the boy but ending up hitting his head on the wall since he was already wedged tightly in the corner wondering if her should ask who in Merlin's boxers Mr. Wobbles was.

Meanwhile, Harry was oblivious to Voldemort frantic scrambles and was continuing his speech, "One day, I got the loviest prettyful little doll with charming blue eyes and short pigtails. And then, dropped her down the toilet…"

"There's no such word as prettyful." The dark lord snapped from the corner.

Harry barely gave him a glance but just frowned in the middle of his speech he scratched his slightly lice infested hair, "…then I donated it to charity. Am I nice or what!" he said triumphantly and turned to the Dark Lord that was squished in the corner.

"Er…okay." said the slightly scared man as he squeezed himself more tightly in the corner.

"Tom?"

"Don't call me that."

Ignoring Voldie as usual, Harry continued, "What are you doing?"

"Trying to find a mouse hole in the corner." Voldie said sarcastically.

"Really? Where? I love mice, like totally! They are the cutest thing like eva!" Harry yelled as he pushed the man out of the corner, fell to his knees and scrambled on the ground looking for mice while adopting a 'valley girl' type of speech.

Voldemort, who was acting as a mat under Harry (as the boy crawled all over the floor occasionally making a comment like 'oh my gawd! I just like totally hit my elbow!') knew he was going to be claustrophobic for the rest of his life.


	7. 7: The Dark Lord is Sick

A/N thanks for everyone who put this story on alert or reviewed! Reviewing helps me kill my writers block..yes I kill things xD**

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**Ch 7: The Dark Lord is Sick **

Harry Potter was lying on the ground trying to wash his mouth by gurgling with the water from The Bucket…which as everyone knows is suppose to be used as a toilet.

Voldie on the other hand was trying very very hard not too throw up as his stomach churned with nausea from the sight and the fact that he is now claustrophobic.

"39 Bottles of beer on the wall, 39 bottles of beer. Take one down, pass it around, 39 bottles of beer! 38 bottles of beer on the wall, 38 bottles of beer. Take one down, pass it around, 38 bottles of beer 37-" sang a very off-key boy-who-lived who had swallowed the water contained with who knows what.

Voldie just groaned and rolled over trying to get the mental picture out of his head.

"Are you okay?" asked the boy as had happily smacked his lips in satisfaction after gulping who knows-what-was-in-that-liquid down.

"I have a stomach ache." moaned the dark lord clutching his stomach with a trickle of green saliva foaming at his mouth.

"You do?" asked the boy. "Really? I read in Dark Lord 101 that dark lords aren't supposed to get a tummy ache. It's in their genes." He chirped cheerfully and nodded to himself.

"Shut up, I'm not wearing jeans." Moaned the dark-lord-who-gets-tummy-aches on the ground

"No I said genes, not jeans you goof." laughed the oblivious boy while pushing playfully on the dark lord's shoulder.

All Voldemort did was to throw up.

"Oooh…did you pee on me?" Harry asked when he felt something wet seep through his pants.

Voldemort on the other hand was feeling much better. "No I didn't so shut up."

"Ooh! You said the 's' words!" crowed the boy not noticing there was a thick layer of yellowish green goo on his pants.

"Shu-Just be quiet and clean the stuff off your pants."

"You pooped on me?" yelled a slightly hysterically Harry. "You know how much these pants cost? Nothing? Get it? I stole from Malfoy. Ha! I bet he didn't know." He laughed as he went to the back of the closet to find some 'water' to clean up.

Voldie sank to the ground and rubbed his eyes tiredly while hopping to get some sleep when he heard a yell. "Tom? I think we ran out of water! I kinda drank it a few minutes ago! What do I do now?"


	8. 8: The Bedtime Story

**Ch 8: The Bedtime Story **

"Can you tell me a story? I can't sleep." Whined the boy-who-lived who was sprawled on his makeshift Voldemort shaped bed.

The dark lord replied by throwing him off and scooting away to a corner. "No you moron! I don't even care if you go tell a story to yourself or something but stop bothering me!"

The boy-who-lived didn't look even a bit angry for someone who had been thrown against the wall with a loud 'crack'. "Okay, then," he announced and cleared his throat, "Once upon a time, a kind, gentle hearted and handsome young boy called Harry Potter-"

"You call yourself gentle hearted?" Voldie muttered in the corner.

Harry just glared at him, "Of course I am, just because you have to self-esteem doesn't mean I can't have any." He huffed indignantly and continued his story leaving a slightly gaping dark lord muttering, "I have no self-esteem? Excuse me? Why wouldn't I have any? True I make my servants kiss my robes but still…"

"Where was I? Oh…I was out on an errand in London when I saw three homeless people begging for money and food by the streets. I, as a gentle hearted kind soul approached the trio and offered them-"

"Has anyone told you not to talk to strangers?"

"Before I was rudely interrupted," Harry said, "I was saying that I went up to them and offered them an address for a place they could stay during the harsh, cold, terrible winter- as a honorable person like I will do..."

"Why were you in London during winter?"

"Has anyone told you not to interrupt a story? Especially a masterpiece like mine?" Harry sniffed with his nose pointed upward with a strange resemblance to Malfoy Senior.

"A masterpiece? Stupid person with big ego, you practically praised yourself in every other sentence." The dark-lord-who-did-not-enjoy-bedtime-stories muttered.

Potter gave his closet partner a blank stare then continued, "So they thanked me for being such a kind young lad and I went on my merry way. The End."

It was Voldemort's turn to give Harry a blank stare. "That's it? You gave three hobos-"

"I prefer if you use the term 'homeless'. It's more fancy…"

"Fine, in your fake story, you gave three _homeless_ people some random fake address-"

"The address wasn't fake. The story was real too."

"If it was real then I'm in love with Dumbledore." snapped the very tired and annoyed old dark lord.

"Wow! I didn't know you love Dumbled-"

"I am not!" Voldie yelped.

"And he's like way older than you-"

"I do not love or even like that stupid old coot!"

"Then why did you say you loved him? If you are, you're in luck becayse I heard that he is gay..."

"The point is that the address and story were fake, and I was kidding." Voldemort replied in a 'duh' kind of tone before muttering. "So the old coot is gay...Lucius owes me 90 galleons."

"No, I gave them your address, don't you remember Billy, Bobby, and Sammy, who visited you last Novemb-?"

Voldemort gaped at him, "You mean those guys that came to the Riddle Manor was actually three hobos?"

"Well…duh, didn't you notice?"

"B-bu-but they said I won a free ipod so I let them stay overnight."

Harry blinked at him, "Did you get your ipod?" he said in a serious voice, "Because they only gave me a plasma t.v. for the address I gave them."

Voldermort seriously felt like banging his head on the wall, but that wouldn't help the headache he was starting to feel after realizing what the missing 100 galleons from his bank account meant.

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A/N: yeah so the hobo people were fake, they were actually business people that wanted to sell their stuff…poor Harry got confused. btw, sorry for the long gaps between updating...** Review** please!


	9. 9: Dream Announcement

**Ch 9: Dream Announcement**

Harry bolted upright in mid snore. His arms were opened wide in panic smacked the dark lord who was sleeping beside him right in the…nose, if you could call it a nose.

"Wat happen?" grumbled Voldmort in a nasal voice, "I was id de biddele of an ice cweam dreab!"

"Wake up you dolt! I have important news!"

"I said I was in a middle of an ice-cream dream so shut up." Voldie said and rolled over and started snoring again.

Harry reached out with his hand with seemly inhuman strength, he hauled the man next to the closet wall banged the dark lord's head a few times for the sake of fun and held his own face a few inches from the groggy man. "Listen old man, you are going to listen to me or else!" he said in a threatening voice. Harry then dropped the dizzy dark lord to the ground so he could free his hands to crack some knuckles and do some fancy moves like Jackie Chan to show he meant business.

"What do you want?" asked the very pissed off dark lord who was still half in la la land eating mango ice cream.

"Listen man, I had this weirdest dream tha-"

"You're kidding me."

"No I seriously had I dream. No joke man. It was like really-"

"You woke me up in a middle of my ice cream dream to tell me about some lame fantasy? Do you even know how rare ice cream dreams are these days? I could neve-"

Harry just impatiently grabbed The Bucket and put it over the rambling man's head. Just to say, Voldemort was lucky that the bucket was empty at the time. "Can you hear me in that thing? Yes? Nod you moron! Nodding means you moved your head up and down. No I do not want to demonstrate I need to tell you my dream." Potter said to the silent dark lord. "Are you giving the silent treatment. 'Cause that's just childish you know?"

"Just get on with it." Came the muffled voice from The Bucket. "This thing smells so bad."

"Okay. Let's see where was I? Oh yeah! In my first part of the dream-"

"How many parts are there?"

"In my first dream there are 4 parts in my second dream there are 8 and in my third one…"

"Just summarize what you want to tell me in 5 sentences. I seriously need air. I'm suffocating in here."

"Fine fine. I had this dream where Dumbledore came in a form of a puppet. He was singing 'Naked Time!' while dancing around the dream you know?"

"No I do not know."

Harry ignored Voldemort's monotone voice and continued." So I was like 'what's up man 'and he tells me 'peace out my boy.' Then he-"

"Do I even what to hear this?"

"Stop interrupting, how many times do I have to tell you? Let's see, where was I? Oh and Dumbledore goes like 'hey kiddo, I'm going to pop in for a visit tomorrow to check you and Mr. I'm-a-dark-lord-so-no-on-can-say-my-name.' And then-"

"What's wrong with people not saying my name?"

"And then," Harry continued completely ignoring Mr. I'm-a-dark-lord-so-no-on-can-say-my-name, "I say 'Cool, come by Little Closet at Little Closet Avenue tomorrow and we can all do the moon walk together.'"

"You said what?"

"I said-"

"You know what? I don't want to know. I'm going to go pray."

"You're religious? Wow! I never thought you'll be the religious typ-"

"Shut up, I'm going to pray that you'll drop dead in the next few seconds and Dumbledore will never come to his stupid closet."

"It's called Little Closet at Little Closet Avenue you idiot."

"-Amen."

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A/N: I don't know if many people actually like how Harry is a bit loony and the character's personalities...if you have any prompts/suggestions you could **Review** & say so!  
Oh and btw, the Naked Time part is from Potter Puppet Pals. Search it on YouTube if you want. 


	10. 10: Dumbledore's Surprise

**Ch 10: Dumbledore's Surprise**

Harry and Voldemort was woken up as a loud 'pop' resounded in the tiny enclosure of the closet. "Hello boys! How's your life nowadays." a cheery voice asked the two figures sprawled on the floor.

"Dumbo! Good to see you again." Harry grinned as he stood up and shook the headmaster's hand, "My life is pretty good so far, expect that Voldie over there keeps whining and puking all over the place - very rude you see."

On the ground, the dark lord pulled himself wearily to upright position, wiped Harry's last night drool from his face and glared at the old man Dumbles, "Listen old man, you have gone way to far this time, give me back my wand and let me out." the man said in a threatening voice and bore his eyes at the headmaster.

Dumbledore smiled and turned on his twinkles in his eyes on full blast "Now now Tom,"

"Don't call me that."

"My boy,"

"That either."

"Listen, I know you're feeling a bit bored in the closet and all but that doesn't mean that you're allowed to be all cranky and moody to young Harry here. Harry is just trying to help you sort out your anger and self -loath since-"

"My what?"

Completely ignoring the dark lord's enranged question Dumbledore bent down and patted the man's scalp. "-so I've decided to pop in for a visit to give you a little something-"

"Don'tmakecontact." Voldie hissed when the gay headmaster patted him. "I have been molested enough by this...child over here, I don't need some addition pain."

Harry and Dumbledore met their eyes over the angry dark lord and nodded at each other.

"Alas, woe me. Look at the time. Tom-"

The dark lord hissed again.

"I've got to go now Tommy boy, Harry, I'm sorry I couldn't stay longer. I'm afraid that Slughorn is waiting for me..in his room." He said and gave them a knowing wink. "Anyways, here's some stuff you guys can entertain yourself with." the insane senile headmaster grinned and dropped a heavy box on the dark lord's toe.

"Have fun kiddo!" the headmaster shouted and dissappered in a flash of light. Sucessful blinding Voldie 'till the death.

"Oh, how I hate that man."

**A/N sorry everyone, for the late late late update. I've been very busy and is currently writing another story. A short chapter (sorry again) since I'm quite sleepy and really really need to go to bed. Any prompts for future chapters will be nice.**


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